|Soaking up the awe|

I observe as they play. The smiles the giggles.

Do you ever feel like you meet someone and God brought them into your life to simply show His goodness to you. Our friend, our sister, or neighbor she is just like that. She loves, she serves she is a little piece of heaven right here on my living room floor rolling around with Callahan.

It's been two years since this girl walked into our world. Two years since I saw those frustration tears of a new job, hit the floor of the office. My stomach turns as I think about her moving away. How will I survive with out the most comfortable friendship I have out here in California. Why are we created as relational beings when life is full of goodbye's? Nothing is eternal here.

 I sit in a place of wonder.

In choosing to enter into authentic relationships with people, I'm choosing a hard goodbye. Is it worth it? I could stay surface level with everyone and I would never have to feel the hurt of a "goodbye". If I don't open up, and have real authentic relationships with people, am I missing out?

I think about Eryn, what if we never formed a deep meaningful friendship, I completely would have missed out! Eryn is an image bearer of God (as we all are). Her servant's heart, her sensitivity,  and her love for my family; I would have missed it all!

As I read Anne Voskamps Blog, "A Holy Experience", the words pop on the page. They read, "if you don't take it all as a gift, you end up taking it all for granted--which amounts to not taking anything good form life at all.

She goes on to say,"you don't get the always, you get the awe." Why do we feel the need to capture the always. Why can't the awe be good enough! I will sit now and linger in the "awe" because I will never get the always. I will soak up the awe of the moment until the moment is over.

Lessons on Receiving...

In my life I have heard endless lessons on giving, but very rarely have I heard anything about receiving. Maybe it's because my parents were more than generous with their time and resources during my childhood, or maybe it's because it's easier to talk about giving than receiving. 

I can't remember a time where I really understood that I was on the receiving end until I reached adulthood. As I talk about receiving I'm not talking about birthday gifts or baked good, I'm talking about receiving from a real place of need. Maybe as child I did not understand my needs nor could I articulate them. This left me unsure how to receive gracefully to the point of shutting down even when someone offered a helping hand. In my mind, receiving tangibly or intangibly meant I was weak, or that I was not in control of the situation. I did't need help because I could 'do it myself'. It's even affected parts of my marriage, not being able to ask my husband for the help I clearly need.  It’s not until now that I realize how important it can be to “receive” well. 

As I reflected on my new understanding I was presented with more opportunities to receive. Being pregnant with Cal I was offered generous baby showers from friends and family, also there were times we would come home to boxes of diapers and wipes on our porch and even meals in our kitchen. We needed these things and having Cal would have been extremely straining without the help. I felt undeserving.

I was trying so hard to practice receiving well. Then my thoughts lead me to my spiritual life. 

If I can't receive from people without guilt or shame, how in the world can I gracefully receive the ultimate gift from God? 

My friends and family were being the face of The Lord, and I was being stubborn me. I have to learn to receive with love and gratitude because the ultimate gift is much greater than diapers and wipes. In my time of reflection the Lord spoke:

"You need to receive ALL that I have paid for" 

HE paid by dying on the cross so we could live freely and have eternal life. The "gift" is HIM suffering and dying, I need to "receive" it by living freely without guilt or shame. In dying, Christ asks us to enter into life with Him. He turned God’s wrath for us into favor. We are no longer slaves to sin, we are precious, we are bought for a price paid for with the blood of Jesus. 

He is giving us the ultimate gift, if we choose to, we receive it; every little piece of it. 

I'm convicted.

Yes, I have received the ultimate gift of eternal life, but there is so much I am not openly receiving. I need to receive ALL that HE paid for with an excruciating death. By not receiving ALL that He paid for I am saying I can do it myself, I don't need any help. What does the "ALL" that he paid for even mean? For me it is living without fear, being joyful, loving people, being humbled, having compassion, living free from the guilt of sin, breaking free from strongholds, and spending time hearing from HIM. He already paid for me to live like this, and there is a deep need in my life to live fully. 

For now, here are some pictures of our sweet 6 month old! 

Celebrate Well {Being}

My family is currently healthy.

I don't take it lightly, good health is denied to many. Growing up with ‘my other favorite boy’ my brother, this lesson sits close to my heart. In most cases we don't even think about our health until something happens whether it be a small cold or something more serious.  In living life and reading countless stories, I've learned that sickness doesn't discriminate, it can happen to anyone at any time. So how do we not live in fear? If I’m honest, that fear occupies my thoughts more than I would like to admit.

So what do we do, what sort of action can we take? First, I go to the Lord, recalling and repeating that HE doesn’t give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind {2 Timothy 1:7}.

This is something my Nana would repeat to all of us so much so that it’s an immediate response to dealing with fear in my life.  HIS word is living and active, it takes up residence in our hearts and HE comforts us.

What else can we do to deal with fear?

We live!

Live fully, take nothing for granted. Linger in the moments. The snuggles, the tiredness, the conflict. Feel your emotions, fully! Let the tears fall. Those tears that you are holding back because you are worried what others may think; the happy ones, the sad and the compassionate tears, Let them fall. It means you’re here, you’re in it.

It can be so hard to let yourself experience your emotions. Oh so hard. I feel slightly hypocritical even writing about it. There is a struggle in my heart to 'fully' live. I need to speak these truths into existence, and do my best to experience life fully. If I don’t attempt to live this way I let fear win. It’s a daily battle, but it’s worth the fight.

Tangibly, I will let my words and photographs be evidence, and a reminder of truly living. Here are a few pictures of people we love, loving on our little boy! This is evidence, evidence of moments where life was lived. 

So it is worth it......

I cannot tell you how many times people have said "having a baby is hard, but it's worth it''. What the heck does that mean? If I'm being honest it doesn't always feel worth it. Sometimes, well actually a lot of times, it's hard to find the 'worth' everyone seems to be talking about. Maybe I'm more selfish than other people, or just unprepared for motherhood, but it's really hard! I think such a drastic life change warrants different emotions! Fear, joy, anxiety, confusion, and an over-whelming amount of love. I think what people really mean when they say, "it's hard but it's worth it" is your bad days will be really, really bad, but your good days will be the best days of your life. 

OK, so that's the worth! 

The best days of your life! I've seen the worth, I've felt it, I'm happy to say that it exists! In understanding the 'worth it', I find myself lingering longer in it; basking in those moments, breathing them in slowly and thoroughly! Saying to myself 'this is it'. The joy in my heart overflows and I want to camp in it! Finally, I get it! It's so important for me to hold on tight to the 'worth it' moments, they get me through the days when I feel less than adequate as a mom, a wife, or even as a person. What a great life lesson; I hope I carry this one with me. Linger longer in the 'worth it' moments. Oh little Callahan, the things you are teaching me....

9-10-11-14

So today is a special day in the Kane house! Todays is the anniversary of the day that made me a Kane, and brought little Cal into existence! Today we celebrated by simply being together. No cards, no gifts; just hanging out, taking naps and playing with our little guy. Honestly, this year, I don't think I would want it any other way! Three years, three years! Not a long time, but at the same time, I can't remember life any other way! 

As time goes on, we grow, and change we lose more and more of the "me" and concentrate on the "us". Something that was so hard for me as a new bride! I remember feeling like, I not only lost my name, but my independence. I had such a tight grip on "me". The most important lesson I've learned thus far, is that our Marriage needs to always win. In all of our circumstances; there is a third party, it's our MARRIAGE and Marriage always wins! Pride takes a back seat, and humility jumps up front! If that doesn't make you a better person, then I don't know what will! Isn't that what this whole marriage thing is about anyway? Isn't it about another person loving you into being 'the best you, you can be'?

I heard something significant at a wedding a few weeks ago. It has stuck with me ever since, so I hope you don't mind if I share! I hope I get this right:

At the end of the wedding the pastor asked the new bride and groom to hold hands. He went on to say, "right now you are holding the most important thing you will ever hold; and any time you let go it will be for something less important" 

How significant! I'm still a baby to most married couples, Mikie and I have so much more life to live together. As things get crazy, our family grows, and life changes I need to hold on tightly to the thing that is most important.

I want to share with you some pictures! Every year we take an anniversary picture, here they all are!

9-10-11

 9-10-12-I was surprised with a weekend trip to Reno! We stopped on the way in a spot over looking Tahoe National Forest!

 9-10-13- Here we are right after we found out we were pregnant with Cal, at our first doctors appointment!

 9-10-14- This is in our backyard!

So here is where I say a quick 'thanks' to the man who made me a wife and momma! Mikie thank you for being so patient and helpful, thank you for being my teammate and loving me into being a better me!

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In other news, Cal rolled over (from tummy to back) in his crib all by himself today! Oh yea, and he's obsessed with his feet!

{Go Easy Momma}

A quick read for all you new Mommas and Moms to be out there. As I watch my friends prepare to be moms, whether pregnant, trying to become pregnant, or with brand new babies. I keep thinking what is the most important thing I’m learning right now or what would my advice be. 

I have scattered thoughts through out these long days, and it is rare that I have a minute to compile my thoughts into one cohesive paragraph. I just keep coming back to the some place, the same thought; I just have to share it. I am 4 months into this new life, so I have no perspective, I’m in it, and I’m eyeball deep in the thick of it. So bear with me as I share what’s on my heart.

 So here it is:

 Go easy on yourself momma, give yourself grace, have time to be frustrated. You are weary, you are emotional, you are tired, and you don't know what you're doing. All those books, all that advice, all those Pinterest articles.....take them with reservation. Your precious baby cannot be compared to another, and you cannot compare yourself to another mom. Some things are just out of your control, but this time is sweet. It will end, even though these weeks feel like years. You will want them back. That screaming baby, that exhausted smile, the drool, the spit up; all of it. One day it will all be over, and you will want it back, you will want to kiss those cheeks, stroke those little feet, see his tiny face erupt into a gummy smile. So momma go easy on yourself. You will have days where the laundry will pile up, the kitchen sink might be full, but it is OKAY! You will have days were you feel no progress is made, where sleep is a distant memory, and taking a shower is not an option. So please go easy, get through this day, and then you can tackle the next one! You are strong, you are smart, you are beautiful, you were made for this, you can do it Momma!